Tuesday, 19 February 2013

Hit the North race, 16th Feb 2013.

Hit the North – a great event, with 370 or so people riding, a lot of mud, climbing on all fours with the bike on your back, fast swoopy berms and jumps. The atmosphere was great, there was hot food, and a bag piper and a drum band, it was fun!

And I was suffering too much, as ever. I was supposed to be fit by now, after a few years of exercising six days a week it shoul be better than that. Having put so much effort into biking over the last years, so much training, dieting, healthy cooking, stretching, travelling, analyzing, more training, I still have fitness of an average person randomly picked from the street. People with huge rucksacks and wearing waterproof jackets were overtaking me, me panting like a chain-smoker, lightheaded, too tired to enjoy the trails, bored with going through that all over again. Feeling so fricking lonely, again. Half an hour in, I knew that that was it, I felt I’d ended, I was done, for good. I just kept riding for the reminding 1.5 hour at a spin pace, enjoying the sun and the day out. At the end I was breathing so hard I needed an oxygen mask, now that's the fitness of an Elite rider, isn't it?! I never thought it would end like that, I hoped, against everything, that it will get good soon, that all the efforts will pay off, that maybe I need to wait, suffer through, and then one day will come when it will all click into place, that I will finally reach my potential, that I will reach my peak, that I will catch the rainbow.
Oh well, worse things happen to people. I’ll now have more time for reading books, for meeting people, for going out. For enjoying life. For doing things (whatever they are).

I’m staying with Stoic Focus, no doubt, Greg makes training and riding so much better, easier, it’s more enjoyable, makes more sense, it’s fun. And then, I believe in miracles, I do…
I really really hope, somewhere deep in my heart, that it's "to be continued...", that's it's only the end of a chapter not a book... That one day I will wake up and it will all just work. Why is it so hard to let it go? Where is the line between having hope and being just blind, between having dreams and being stupid?

Abba is singing in my head their "I believe in angels...". It's sometimes scary what your brain holds for you, isn't it? Especially when it comes to songs.

Leaving racing created a hole inside me, being a racer was such a big part of who I was. Or who I thought I was – does it make a difference? So what am I now? What will I do, how will it all look like now? And how the relationship with S. look like, we’ve always been racing (somehow I have happy visions here though). And somehow it feels like it’s gonna be ok now :)

But even if that is The End, then what? Most people in the world don't race and they're fine. I still have two legs, and two arms, and even a head to wear cool-looking helmets. I can ride, I can run, I can jump - that's still more than many people can do. Day by day, little blessings, little miracles.

Hit the North. I don’t remember much from the event itself, apart from it being fun. Highly recommended.

And see you out there in the hills, messing around on the trails, wearing baggy shorts and a rucksack with sandwiches in it, and stopping every 15 minutes to update the status on Facebook "I'm in the forest" ;)

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